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What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?

     While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone. So what should you do when the fighting starts?

     Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you -- inadvertently -- make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a caregiver.

     If you're concerned by language or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.   Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with the kids, not for them.

     When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.   Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight -- anyone who is involved is partly responsible.   Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.

     Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life -- like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

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Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

     Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:                                              

     Set ground rules for acceptable behavior.   Tell the kids that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules -- as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

     Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" -- sometimes one kid needs more than the other.     Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too. Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing -- to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

     Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.